The Strain Episode 3 Recap: Echorsts Morning Beauty Regiment

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Echorst Is My New Favorite German Vampire (Not That I Know Any Others, Thank Goodness)

"Gone Smooth" opens with Echorst getting ready for his day. He has quite an extensive beauty regiment... gives a while new meaning to "putting your face on". He delicately applies his nose, then his neck, then his ears, then contact lenses, and then some hair. Incidentally, his hair piece looks better than Eph's. Add some dentures and some light (make that heavy) concealer. Top it all off with a snappy tailored suit and "voila". You are a sexy beast!

We catch up with the four survivors:

Geek Guy (Ansel) is home with his wife Anna Marie. She is a major pain. I hope he eats her. She complains because he left her to take care of the kids and the dog got loose. What a wienie. He later drinks blood from a steak in the fridge. Nothing strange going on here.

Rocker Dude (Gabe) is continuing to have medical issues. He asks his doc for help with some "private" problems. Translation: his pee pee is about to fall off. He's already so far gone, he just flushes it down the toilet and moves on. Ouch! Also I'm not plumber but I'd think that would be really hard on the septic system.

Eph is saved from attack by a phone call while he's in the Dead French Girl (Emma's) house. She creepily stares around the corner. She is my favorite.

The Pilot (Captain Redfern) is in an incubation chamber. Eph and crew try to help him but he goes full blown vampire and attacks Nora. She fights him off with an IV stand. This is the first time our folks have seen a vampire. Helpful hint people: Do NOT throw away your weapons after the fight is over (cause we ALL know its not really over). Luckily Eph beans Doyle in the head with a fire extinguisher. Game over.

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The Doctor Told Me I Could Be Out Of The Hospital By Tuesday

There are no sightings of Mean Lawyer Lady (Joan) which is fine with me. No one will be able to tell when she becomes a vampire since she so obnoxious to start with.

And here's where our other main characters are:

Abraham has his day in court. He plays stupid and the judge lets him go. Nora tries to get additional info from him but he says she's not ready. He pays a hacker to get him the names of all the passengers. Looks like he has to do everything himself since the CDC bozos are no help.

Fet (the exterminator) notices an uptick in vermin attacks in the city. He later sees a bunch of rats jumping into the ocean. People, when the rats start leaving, it's time for us to go too!

Eph loses custody of his son. His ex-wife is sad. No one cares. Get rid of these scenes so there is more time for vampires!

We learn a little more about Sean Astin (aka Jim Kent). He's in debt to the vamps because he wife has cancer. And how many times did they say his full name in this episode? Go Jim Kent and do the vampires bidding. Too bad your name is not Clark Kent.

And Regina King is still alive but who knows for how long.

In the interest of public health, here's how to recognize a vampire:

Bloodshot eyes
Parasitic worms crawling about
Bad dental hygiene
Junk falls off (I'm not sure what happens to women)
Hair falls out
Ringing in the ears, hears voices
Has the sudden urge to bite people
Has a freaky worm like tongue with a bunch of teeth on the end, excellent for people slurping

Favorite Quotes:

"Soon no more charades. To victory!"- Thomas Echorst as he stares at himself in the mirror.
Abraham says the vampires "will to devour the world and swallow the light".
New words to add to the "Oxford English Dictionary"-- vampenis, vampilot, basically anything with "vam" in front of it.

Grade: 4 Monsters (out of 5). Episode 3 proved more interesting than "The Box". I hope they keep it up. We need less time dedicated to Eph's personal and more to vampire chomping.