[ ] Mauled by a Yeti (please provide photographic evidence)
[ ] Car only makes left hand turns and it's two rights to get into the parking lot
[ ] Fell down a well
[ ] STDs acting up (please do NOT provide photographic evidence)
[ ] Stuck in space time continuum (please specify what time in the past you'll return)
[ ] Abducted by clowns, aliens or gypsies
[ ] Had a cold (which incidentally is a REALLY stupid excuse)
[ ] Learning to play the theremin
[ ] Hair got caught in a fan
[ ] Had a sex change (please refer to me as __________ from now on)
[ ] Tired of seeing coworkers faces
[ ] Avalanche blocked the way to work
[ ] Joined a band of Elvis impersonators
[ ] Dingo ate my baby
[. ]. Plague of locust
[ ] Lost keys at the nudie bar last night
[ ] Went to Disneyland
[ ] Allergic reaction to: peanuts, seafood, latex
[ ] Got body slammed by a lowland gorilla
[ ] Woke up with one kidney missing
[ ] Was in prison due to "unpaid parking tickets"
[ ] Blister on ass (unrelated to STD category above)
[ ] Overslept after staying up all night to watch a "Brady Bunch" marathon
[ ] PMS (only if male)
[. ]. Tires flattened by lawn gnome (I'm secretly having an affair with his wife)
[ ] Freak Sharknado, woke up in Kansas
[. ]. Wildebeest migration
[ ] No clean underwear
[ ] Accidentally wandered into a black hole
[ ] Temporarily blinded by camel spit
[ ] Gave birth to _________ (please specify species and number)
[ ] Just too lazy to show up
[ ] Mistakenly thought I had won the lottery
[ ] Psychosomatic case of: Tree Rot, Ick, or Hoof and Mouth Disease
[ ] The bedbugs that live in my bed kept me up all night (it was their weekly poker match)
[ ] Quarantined by the CDC due to one of the following: Ebola, Bubonic Plague, Leprosy
[ ] On a secret mission for the government
[ ] My cat told me to stay home. If you have a problem, contact him.
[ ] Epic battle against the forces of evil for the fate of mankind. You're welcome world!
[ ] Brain donated to science (it was returned the next day)
[ ] Had vestigial tail removed and/or boob job
[ ] A lobster pinched my toe
The World According To GMonster
TV: Heavy On Sci Fi, Horror & Adventure; Light On Reality
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