Best Work Excuses: Guaranteed To Get You Called Into The HR Department

Pursuant to HR policy # 127.95b of the company handbook, all employees must list a reason for their work absence (unless providing a doctor's note). Please check any/all categories that apply below:

[  ]  Mauled by a Yeti (please provide photographic evidence)
[  ]  Car only makes left hand turns and it's two rights to get into the parking lot
[  ]  Fell down a well
[  ]  STDs acting up (please do NOT provide photographic evidence)
[  ]  Stuck in space time continuum (please specify what time in the past you'll return)
[  ]  Abducted by clowns, aliens or gypsies
[  ]  Had a cold (which incidentally is a REALLY stupid excuse)
[  ]  Learning to play the theremin
[  ]  Hair got caught in a fan
[  ]  Had a sex change (please refer to me as __________ from now on)
[  ]  Tired of seeing coworkers faces
[  ]  Avalanche blocked the way to work
[  ]  Joined a band of Elvis impersonators 
[  ]  Dingo ate my baby
[. ]. Plague of locust
[  ]  Lost keys at the nudie bar last night
[  ]  Went to Disneyland
[  ]  Allergic reaction to: peanuts, seafood, latex
[  ]  Got body slammed by a lowland gorilla
[  ]  Woke up with one kidney missing
[  ]  Was in prison due to "unpaid parking tickets"
[  ]  Blister on ass (unrelated to STD category above)
[  ]  Overslept after staying up all night to watch a "Brady Bunch" marathon
[  ]  PMS (only if male)
[. ]. Tires flattened by lawn gnome (I'm secretly having an affair with his wife)
[  ]  Freak Sharknado, woke up in Kansas
[. ]. Wildebeest migration
[  ]  No clean underwear
[  ]  Accidentally wandered into a black hole
[  ]  Temporarily blinded by camel spit
[  ]  Gave birth to _________ (please specify species and number)
[  ]  Just too lazy to show up
[  ]  Mistakenly thought I had won the lottery
[  ]  Psychosomatic case of: Tree Rot, Ick, or Hoof and Mouth Disease
[  ]  The bedbugs that live in my bed kept me up all night (it was their weekly poker match)
[  ]  Quarantined by the CDC due to one of the following: Ebola, Bubonic Plague, Leprosy
[  ]  On a secret mission for the government
[  ]  My cat told me to stay home. If you have a problem, contact him. 
[  ]  Epic battle against the forces of evil for the fate of mankind. You're welcome world! 
[  ]  Brain donated to science (it was returned the next day)
[  ]  Had vestigial tail removed and/or boob job
[  ]  A lobster pinched my toe


The World According To GMonster
TV: Heavy On Sci Fi, Horror & Adventure; Light On Reality  

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