The Coming SlothApocalypse: Mankinds Greatest Threat

Mankind's Greatest Threat

Sure many of us are prepared for a number of disaster scenarios: EMPs (that's solar flares to you civilians), civil wars, floods, tornadoes, tidal waves, etc. But no one ever talks about what may be the greatest threat of all-- the coming SlothApocalypse. While the government is busy worrying about Obamacare and balancing the budget, the sloths are quietly gathering in numbers and preparing their attack.

It's Too Late For This Person, But Not For You

What Can We Do To Prepare:

Dont expect to rely on the government. Most of them dont even know what a sloth is. It's also a known fact that there are many "sloth sympathizers" in the military so you won't be getting any help on that front.
SLOTHS ON FOOT: Run for your life. Feel free to take frequent breaks or even lay down and take nice nap. Do not make eye contact with any sloth or you may feel the urge to hug them. BIG MISTAKE! Just trust me on that one.
SLOTHS BY CAR: The best way to escape from an angry hoard of sloths is to calmly drive away. Be very careful not to harm any sloths while retreating. They can turn on you in a split second and eat through your car doors. They also like to fling their bodies onto windshields (thus causing drivers to crash their vehicles). If the sloths are themselves in a car pursuing you, try driving in a zig zag pattern. That will make them dizzy and they'll abort the chase. This incidentally also works on alligators (while they're chasing you on foot though, not when they're driving cars).

Where Did I Put My Car Keys? This Walking Sucks!

I Wonder When The Next Bus Is Due By?

SLOTHS ON A PLANE: Sloths may be in the overhead bins, hiding in the restrooms or masquerading themselves as seat cushions. In case of a water emergency, you will NOT be able to use the sloth as a flotation device. If the plane is already mid flight when the sloths attack, you have little hope of survival. Try to always sit near exits. Hopefully the sloths will be tired of murdering the other passengers before they get to you. It also doesnt hurt to wear a parachute at all times (just in case you can get the emergency doors open). Also it's harder to eat you with a big parachute strapped to your back.
SLOTHS IN A HOT AIR BALLOON: You're not going to make it so just kiss your ass goodbye. Sloths are experts with their dagger nails and will quickly puncture the balloon. Again I would suggest wearing a parachute at all times.
SLOTHS IN A TREE: This is the sloth's native habitat so your chances are slim. Sometimes pretending to be a bird confuses them and they'll leave you alone. I would suggest an owl or woodpecker. Do not pretend to be a penguin, ostrich or dodo. Sloths are not stupid.

Hmm I Dont Remember Seeing A Dodo In This Tree Before

SLOTHS IN YOUR HOUSE: Do not hide in a basement or underground bunker. While that works for tornadoes, it just makes it easier for sloths (and blobs) to slide down the steps and get ya. Sometimes sloths disguise themselves as Jehovah's Witnesses and go door to door. Don't ever answer the door. That will solve this problem.
SLOTHS IN THE MAIL: Sloths sometimes ship themselves around the country in boxes and wait for unsuspecting people to open them. Be suspicious of any boxes-- be they from USPS, FedEx or UPS. Also beware of any Amazon drones that might drop a sloth box on your roof.

I Have A Package For Mr Smith, Who Can Sign For It?

SLOTHS AND YOUR PETS: While I would never want to sacrifice Mr Fluffy for the safety of the rest of the family, it may become the only option. Sloths can sometimes be distracting by a pet so the rest of the family can escape. Again I would only use this as the very last resort since as we know, cats REALLY dont like being hugged.

I Don't Want To Cuddle Anymore. NO means NO!

Dont you have someone you need to go kill? If not, I have a few suggestions.

Take Away Points:

If you care about your family, you'll prepare for the SlothApocalypse
You cant rely on the government during the coming SlothApocalypse.
Do not hide in your basement during the SlothApocalypse.
Survival techniques used on vampires, zombies and werewolves do not work on sloths.
I will be posting information later about various community groups/ militias that are forming to face the threat. Consider www.worldaccordingtogmonster.com your source for all SlothApocalypse information. Remember, we're all in this together. The fate of humanity rests in your hands.