The X-Files Season 10 Episode 3 Review: Attack Of The Werewolf Lizardman

This week's "The X-Files" episode took a decidedly comic turn with "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster". And I gotta say, I L-O-V-E-D it! I can't remember when I've had so much fun watching an hour of television.

The scene opens with two people in the woods huffing from a paper bag. Nice callback since the same actors played stoners on "The X-Files" some twenty years earlier. There's a giant full moon. We know something bad is about to happen. There's a dead body. Is a werewolf responsible? Nope, its a giant lizard in tighty whiteys. Said lizard runs away.

Mulder laments that since he retired, many of their cases have been solved. Some were natural phenomena. Many were due to college pranks (and/or drunken red necks). Plus everyone has a camera on their phones these days. If Bigfoot made an appearance someone would have a photo of him. Well... not if that someone was Fox. He's still struggling with his smartphone camera. Too funny!

Scully delightfully tells Mulder "We've been given another case. It has a monster in it!" Off they run to the Oregon woods. The two crash at a local fleabag hotel. I guess government jobs dont include a travel allowance. Fox finds peepholes hidden behind stuffed animals in several rooms. The motel attendant (who is swigging rubbing alcohol) says that's how he encountered the lizard man. Fox and Dana wander around town with a hand drawn picture of a lizard monster with three eyes. Several witnesses say they saw the guy but it only had two eyes.

More dead bodies pile up. The lizard is still on the loose. Scully finds him working at a phone store. He trashes the place and Mulder follows him to a graveyard. It turns out the lizard didnt kill him anyone. He's a peace loving insectivore. Instead a human bit him, thus turning the lizard into a middle aged man appropriately named "Guy Man". Guy recounted the human compulsions he's suddenly developed. He gets a job, worries about his retirement and adopts a dog. He also learns to wear clothes (he dresses just like Kolchak from "The Night Stalker"), discovers hotel porn and munches on hamburgers. He makes up lies about sex-- including having a quickie with Dana in the phone store. Mulder replies "Stop! That DEFINITELY did not happen". Hilarious!

Eventually the real killer is discovered (It's Pasha the animal control officer) and apprehended by Scully. We think she might be in danger but she reminds us that she's "immortal". This has been hinted at several times during the X-File's long history.

Guy returns to the woods to start his 10,000 year hibernation. He thanks Fox for his kindness and turns full lizard. Fox finally has something to believe in.

Favorite Quotes:

"I'm a middle aged man Scully. Is this really how I want to spend the rest of my days... chasing after monsters?"- Mulder. "We've been given another case. It has a monster in it!"- Scully.
"Mulder, the internet is not good for you."- Scully to Mulder.
Scully: "Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder." Fox: "So, you're agreeing with me?" Scully: "No, you're bat crap crazy!"
"I'm not gonna report you for being a creeper cause like they should expect being peeped on in this place."- Mulder.
"Maybe he got attacked by a wolf, mountain lion or bear. Could've been all 3. That's how I'd like to go out."- Mulder.
"Life is hopeless. A few fleeting moments of happiness surrounded by crushing loss and grief."- Guy the Lizard Man.
"Maybe it's a mangy Sasquatch."- Scully.
"It shot blood... out it's eyeball!"- Mulder.
"You forget... I'm immortal"- Scully after apprehending the baddie.
"This has been a real trying time for me. What I'm trying to say is I'm glad to have met you."- Lizardman before he scurries off to hibernate.

Grade: 5 Monsters (out of 5). Hilariously perfect! "Were-Monster" turns the "monster of the week" format on it's ear. It might well be the funnest episode of the entire series. David and Gillian knocked it out of the park. Kudos also for putting "X-Files" producer/director Kim Manner's name on the tombstone Mulder was leaning against.