True Blood Season 7 Episodes 1 Thru 3: For Every Human A Vampire And Every Vampire A Human (Season Premiere)

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"True Blood" just began it's seventh and final season.. I'm hoping it goes out with a bang. While I greatly enjoyed the first few seasons. the last few have been... well... blah. Before I recap the specifics, let's review the rules for watching "True Blood".

"True Blood" Viewing Rules:

TB is a hot mess. If you expect it to be anything other than a hot mess, you will be sorely disappointed. It's like "trailer trash for the mind". Just roll with it and you'll be happier.
Sookie is the main character therefore all action revolves around her in some way. Sookie is the audience's introduction into the crazy fairy, vampire, shapeshifter, werewolf, witch, minotaur worshiping, werepanther world. Sookie, being the main character, gets to have sex with whomever she wants- Sam and then Bill and then Eric and then Warlow and then Alcide. Hide your male children!
Ryan Kwanten (Jason Stackhouse) is contractually obligated to show his ass every third episode. Not that I'm complaining.
Stephen Moyer (Vampire Bill Compton) is contractually obligated to look broodingly at Sookie at least once during each episode.
Because the show takes place in the South, there is extra emphasis on religion, small town bigotry and gun toting. Yes I am southern so I can say that.
You may not consult outside agencies for help with any Bon Temps problems. Instead, it is best to forget that the outside world even exists.
Dead is never dead-- unless they're in piecy-parts or a pile of goo.
Pam always looks smashing no matter what pickle she is in.
Can Lafayette please have a happy ending? He deserves it after all the nonsense this show has put him through.
I have the sneaking suspicious that Sarah Newlin will reappear in the finale. She will wipe out all the remaining citizens of Bon Temps by beating them to death with her shoe heel.

Happy Viewing!

Here's what happened in episode 1 "Jesus Gonna Be Here" and episode 2 "I Found You". When we last saw the residents of Bon Temps the crazed Hep V vampires had descended upon them and were preparing to suck everyone in sight.

The vampires attack and many people are killed (including Tara). I dont believe she's really dead though. Arlene, Holly, Nicole (Sam's pregnant girlfriend) and some others are kidnapped. They are taken to Fangtasia in Shreveport (but no one else knows where they are). Things are looking pretty bad but Arlene recognizes one of the vampires as her kid's school teacher. She takes pity on them and plans to help them escape. Before they can leave she has to feed on Arlene from her femoral artery. For some reason Betty's body then disintegrates. That was really gross and great fun! Now how are Arlene and Holly going to get outta here.

Sookie reads everyone's minds. They all hate her and blame her for the attack. While I know she's not to blame for everything, I must confess that she's gets on my nerves too.

Jessica is busy guarding Adilyn at the Bellefleur home. A hep V vampire comes to the house. Jess has Adilyn drink her blood so she'll always know where she is. Adilyn invites Jess into the house at dawn so she wont be fry. Jessica comes close to fanging Adilyn but manages to fight off the urge.

Jessica's boyfriend pairs up with Lafayette. It turns out he was a draft dodger in Vietnam. He went to his best friend's house when his casket came home. His friend's father beats him nearly to death with a baseball bat. A vampire took pit on him and saved his life. Anyway said boyfriend ends up drinking Lafayette's blood. What hew issues will this cause?

Pam is off in Morocco (or some such place) playing Russian roulette. She gets a lead on where her maker is. She goes to France and finds an injured Eric. Does he have Hep V? And no one believed he really died at the end of last season. I say give all the vampires Hep V at the end and that will be a good way to wrap up the story.

Jason and Violet are in search of the Hep V vamps. They finally consummate their relationship. That look long enough.

Tara's mom (Lettie Mae) is high on Willow's vampire blood. She's crazy as ever. She says Tara is alive and is trying to communicate with her. Lettie May badly burns her hand in order to get more blood so she can see Tara again. Tara is on the cross with a big snake around her neck. She is speaking in tongues. I have no idea what she said.

Sookie, Jason, Sam and Alcide head to the next town over. They find a big hole with all the residents dead in it (not counting the few people that they saved for snacks later). Uh the vampires cant attack you during the day. Couldnt everyone just drive away? And they cant come in your house unless you invite them so you could stay in your house till the sun comes up. How bout texting, tweeting, emailing, skyping or calling someone to help? And if you get a busy signal, there are other numbers to call. But nobody asked me...

And how long does it take these vampires to die? I thought it was a few days. And why do they just sleep for 15 minutes and then eat again? That couldnt be good for their REM sleep.

The remaining residents of Bon Temps decide to take matters in their own hands and storm the police station. They convince Deputy Kenya to join them and kidnap Adilyn. Jessica wakes up (since Adilyn's blood) but cant help her since its the middle of the day. When Andy returns home she tells him something is wrong with Adilyn.

And how I have missed Maxine and her craziness. After Vince says he saw Sam change from a dog, she pipes up and says she saw a bear digging through her trash a while back. She is sure it was Sam. And why cant a dog-bear be mayor? There's nothing against it in the town charter. Maxine also reminds everyone in town that Adilyn is supposed to be a newborn and is instead a teenager. "What the f%^k's going on with that, I have no idea" says Maxine. I feel ya sister. i hope they let her go on a few more rants before the end of the series.

Mental Note: someone should kill Vince (and soon). He's always stirring up trouble. Leave the man-bear-dog mayor alone.

Favorite Quotes:

"We need every vampire to take their human home and allow the vampire to feed on them in exchange for their protection."- Bill to the remaining Bon Temps residents.
"Does your God love you?"- Russian Roulette Playing Vampire. "My God fucking hates me."- Pam.
"We are all freaked out by the Armageddon like situation we have going on here"- Jason.
"The first time she died, I mourned. The second time she died I dont feel anything"- Lafayette about Tara's death.
"My little girls is stuck between heaven and hell"- Lettie Mae.
"I did not survive four husbands, a serial killer boyfriend and the sorta suicide of my love Terry just to die in a vampire bar. I'm getting us outta here"- Arlene. You go girl!
"This town is full of vampires, has a dog for a mayor and is being preached to by a telepath"- Vince to the remaining town's folk.

Grade: 4 Monsters (out fo 5). A good solid start. Let's hope it stays this good till the end of the season. And you can always count on TB to throw in the occasional sex dream. This time it was Jason dreaming about Eric. And that was a straight up nod to the fans and the fan fiction all over the Internet. Let's hope they do that with all the possible pairing before the end of the season.