AHS Hotel Episodes 1-2 Reviews: You Can Check Out But You Can Never Leave (Season Premiere)

Thus begins another year of "American Horror Story". The previous seasons were "Murder House", "Asylum", "Coven" and "Freak Show". "AHS" continues to be one of the most creative and shocking shows on television. It is a juggernaut of horror TV (with many other networks rushing to develop horror series after it's success). While I L-O-V-E "AHS", it has some frustrating challenges.

Ryan Murphy and crew traditionally start off the season strong but with WAY to many balls in the air. There are characters and story lines all over the place. At some point they just ignore a few because time runs out. The finales are also problematic. Often what should be the ending (IMHO) is two episodes before the finale. It's like they're making it up as they go along--versus mapping out the whole season ahead of time. We'll revisit "Hotel" at the end of it's run and see how it fares against these criticisms.

"Checking In" introduces us to the Hotel Cortez in Los Angeles. It's a beautiful art deco building but it's seen better days. The place is completely deserted except for a woman at the front desk. Iris (Kathy Bates) is later joined by Liz Taylor (Dennis O'Hare in freaky drag).

A glam guy (Gabriel) enters the hotel. Iris begrudgingly gives him room 64. He takes out his works and injects himself. A strange creature with a metallic dildo appears. He is apparently called the Addiction Demon. AD rapes Gabriel while Sally (who looks like she's stuck in the 1980s) watches. She tells him to say "I love you" and it will all end. He does and it stops... because he's dead. OK then. Not sure how that got by the censors. But I get the point (and so does Gabriel). Drugs kill people!!!

Next two Swedish supermodel-looking-tourists arrive. The hotel freaks them out. They try to get their money back but Iris refuses. See, this is what happens when you book a hotel online. Their room has a horrible smell. The mattress has been stitched up. They cut it open to find something (I dont know what) trapped inside. Is that what's left of Gabriel? Sally had previously sew him into a mattress. Or perhaps he's one of many. Run for your life ladies!

Iris moves them to Room 64 (after previously telling the tourists they have no vacancies). Apparently 64 is open because they never rent it out. More on that later. The cops are called. Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley) is over at another crime scene where a guy is barely hanging to life after having his eyes and tongue cut out mid snog. He johnson is also left inside the dead woman. Ouch! John arrives at the hotel. He goes to Room 64, lays down and sees a vision of his son Holden (who went missing five years ago while at a carnival). Holden is one of several little white haired kids roaming the building.

Next we meet Elizabeth "The Countess" (Lady Gaga) and boy toy Donovan (Matt Bomer). They have an orgy with a nice couple and then slit their throats with their pointy gloves. See drugs and orgies kill peoplel!!!

Marcy the realtor from "Murder House" is back. She just sold "Hotel Cortez" to Will and his son Lachlan. Unfortunately no one bothered to tell the residents. The Countess later takes Lachlan to a secret room where all the freaky children are hanging out eating candy to their heart's contents and playing video games. That sounds like the life for me.

We see in a flashback that Donovan was at Hotel Cortez years ago to get a drug fix from Hypodermic Sally. Liz Taylor was working the desk. Iris arrives trying to save her son but it's too late. He's dead. In a fit of rage Iris pushes Sally out the window. Later she finds the Countess hovering over Donovan's body and admiring his jaw line.

Sally lets one of the Swedish girls out of her cage. Iris follows but the Countess gets to her first and slits her throat.

In episode 2 "Chutes and Ladders" the freaky blonde kids are feeding on the remaining Swede. They say she tastes gross. Iris asserts it's because she's dead. Down the chute she goes to join all the dead bodies at the bottom. The freaky children are later hooked up to IVs and their purified blood goes to the Countess and Donovan. I'm sure they're delicious.

Meanwhile John's wife Alex works on one of her patients. I didnt really care about the scene except that we got to see Madchen Amick as his mother. You may know her as Aunt Wendy the Cat from "Witches of East End". See my review of this super fun show here: Witches Of East End Reviews

There is a fashion show at the hotel... cause why not? Claudia (Naomi Campbell) is there. Scarlett (John's other child) meets Lachlan. They roam the hotel during the show and find the coffins of the white haired children in an empty swimming pool.

During the show it looks like a model/drug addict named Tristan (Finn Wittrock) is going to stab someone. He catches the Countess' eye. Tristan later breaks into other hotel rooms to look for drugs or other valuables he can use to buy drugs. Donovan is about to eat him when Elizabeth shows up. Tristan escapes down to the seventh floor where he encouters James March.

Scarlett heads back to the hotel to look for her brother. She finds him in the candy room. It becomes apparent that she has aged but he hasn't. He tries to bite her but she gets away. Scarlett eventually goes home (where her father and the police are looking for her).

Elizabeth (who is over a hundred years old) turns Tristan into a vamp and tells Donovan to pack his bags. She is over him.

Iris finally gives John some of the history of the hotel. James March built it in 1925. It has lots of secret passages and torture chambers. March aided by Ms Evers killed LOTS of people and then sent their bodies down the chute to the basement. The police finally caught up with him in his office (Room 64). He shot Evers in the head and then sliced his own throat. Apparently both he and Evers are ghosts who still inhabit the hotel. He is the guy in the crazy mask and apron. She is the maid that's always trying to get blood out of the sheets. John still doesnt buy the story. But he postulates that the person they call the "Ten Commandments Killer" is continuing March's work by completing a number of gruesome murders. On a related note, James March is based on a real life person named HH Holmes who built a hotel in Chicago in the last 1890's that doubled as a house of horrors. Talk about scary. Holmes is probably the most diabolical person I've ever heard of. See additional info on him at: H. H. Holmes

Favorite Quotes:

"I guess I'm going to have to kill God. That is my message to the world."- James March.
"Kids are the best"- Sally after scaring Scarlett with her crumbling teeth.
"The more you scream, the more he likes it."- Sally to Gabriel about the Addiction Demon.
"Let's stay in. We can watch 'House Of Cards'."- Donovan to the Countess.
"You've lost something and now you're frozen in time."- Liz Taylor to John.

Grade: 4 Monsters (out of 5). A good start. It's too early to tell how it will all pan out. Below are a few random thoughts about "AHS Hotel":

Is anyone actually alive in this show? I initially thought everyone (including John) was dead. However he interacts with others outside the hotel so I guess that theory is out the window.
I'm loving the set design of the hotel. Very effective and creepy.
There are lots of references to other horror movies. The premiere had a "The Shining" vibe. Also nods to "The Hunger", "Seven" etc.
Do all the episodes have to be an hour and a half long? I would rather see a tight one hour show instead (unless there's a specific reason to extend it).
Episode 1 ending with the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles was perfect.
And yes, I still miss Jessica Lang (but the poor woman deserves a rest).