Scream Queens Episodes 3-6 Reviews: Dont Judge Me For Trying To Stay Alive

"Scream Queens" is just quirky enough to keep me coming back for more. Don't expect the plot to be cohesive. Just sit back and enjoy the campy ride.

In "Chainsaw" Chanel #5 is tired of being Chanel #1 punching bag and makes a break for it. Chanel #1 then created Hester in her own image and dubs her Chanel #6. Chanel #3 tells Sam (ie Predatory Lez) that she is actually not the heiress to the Swanson Steak fortune. Instead Charles Manson is her father. Say what?

Grace and Zayday encounter a Devil in the grocery store and taser him. It's just some poor guy trying to get noticed. As a result of the killings, Dean Munch decides they will have a new mascot and his name will be Coney (ya know as in Coney the Ice Cream Cone). He seems to be a happy guy... but not for long.

Grace and Zayday go to visit Chanel #2 parents. Hey that's Charisma Carpenter from "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer". I wish she was a regular character on this show. They say Chanel is off on some drunken binge and dont see alarmed. This is despite the fact that she tweeted "I am being murdered by the Red Devil". We also learn that Chanel #2 was dating Chad (because, ya know, everyone on this show has dated Chad). The parents tell the girls to "find her and make sure she never comes home". That's good parenting.

Meanwhile Grace's dad is working as a college professor in order to be close to his baby. He likes to show horror movies such as "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Children of the Corn" to his classes. Yep, he's a weirdo too.

The Dickie Dollar Scholars (what kind of name is that?) calls out the Red Devil for Boone's murder. He arrives with a chainsaw. They try to fend him off with wooden baseball pats. Hilarity ensues. Then another shows up and one of the DDS guys gets both of his arms sawed off. Ouch!

Dean Munch and Gigi have moved into the sorority house. They are sleeping in the same room for some reason. Munch has a white sound machine to help her sleep. They include the soothing sounds of baboon attacks, whale distress calls, and slasher films (of course). Too funny! Gigi goes downstairs to sleep on the couch. The Red Devil appears. Wes shows up for some reason. RD leaves. Munch heads downstairs in her granny gown and they accuse her of being the Devil.

Denise (who continues to be the best part of this show) is convinced that Zayday is one of the Red Devils. Girl has a chainsaw under her bed. Nuff said.

"Haunted House" opens with a short video of Chanel and her Chanel-O-Ween initiative to bring happiness to the underprivileged... and ugly. She brightens her followers by giving them terrible gifts just a blood, rotting stuff and moths Hilarious. I bet Taylor Swift is none too happy about this spoof.

Zayday runs for Kappa Kappa Tau president against Chanel #1. We also learn that Denise was previously a KKT pledge but was rejected. Maybe she's the killer after all. I personally think that would be the PERFECT ending because I love her character. Zayday is throwing a haunted house.

Grace and Pete go speak with Mandy Greenwell (who was a KKT sister) She says Dean Munch knew about the girl's death in the 90s and that she made the sorority sister bury her body. Also important is that the bathtub baby was a girl (so Chad and Pete are out... I think). The Red Devil later kills Mandy.

Chad and Chanel #6 start to get cozy. Being the freaks they are, they want to have sex somewhere scary so head to the Haunted House. Instead they find the missing dead bodies of: Ms Bean, Mandy, Shondell, Chanel #2 and Coney (may he RIP). Zayday is kidnapped by the Red Devil. In the last scene it looks like Gigi is the Hag of Shady Lane. Is that true? She is stuck in time for some reason.

In "Pumpkin Patch" Chanel #1 wants to throw a party to combat Black Hairy Tongue (actually she wants to compete with Zayday's haunted house which is raising money to fight sickle cell anemia). Money is no object. In fast she's pissed at the party planner who better deliver an exact replica of the maze from "The Shining" or else. The Chanels plan to dress as fallen president's wives. Chanel #1 will go as Jackie Kennedy of course. Against her protests, Chanel makes #5 go as Mary Todd Lincoln. Chanel #6 will be Ida McKinley and Chanel #3 will be Lucretia Garfield.

Everyone meets and Chad makes a rousing speech about JFK and how Halloween is the best time of the year because a the girls dress slutty. This doesnt move Munch though. She cancels Halloween. Chanel vows to have her party on 12:01 on November 1 instead. Chanel is arrested for the murder of Ms Bean. After an "Orange Is The New Black" moment, her bail is posted by Chanel #3. We finally start to see Chanel #6's true colors. She wants Chanel #1 to go DOWN. She conspires with Chanel #5 and Jennifer the candle blogger (who is also really into ants). How bizarrely fun.

No one except Grace seems concerned about finding Zayday. The sorority sisters assert that she should escape on her own if she wants to be KKT president. Later Denise and Munch discuss having sex with Chad. Cathy says it was horrible. Denise says it was the best night of her life (but they were heavy into role playing).

RD is busy in this episode. He disembowels Dodger in the Shining maze with hedge clippers. The Devil is apparently sweet on Zayday. He gave her gifts and made her Oakland nachos (which is her favorite). Grace and crew eventually find his hideout. They used Find My Device to locate Zayday's phone. Denise is still convinced Zayday is the killer. The "Silence of the Lambs" references were great. I especially loved the night vision scene with Gigi and Denise. Denise tases Gigi in the boob. Gigi then tases RD but he escapes down a chute (or so she says). We later see Gigi bossing him around and telling him to "take care" of someone. Hmmm, the plot thickens. Gigi is much more than she appears to be.

In "Seven Minutes in Hell" the sorority votes and it's a tie for President between Chanel and Zayday. In a surprise move, Chanel concedes in the hopes this will keep her safe from the Red Devil. By giving up her presidency she hopes to avoid being murdered. Zayday decides to throw a slumber party but they all get locked in. Chad and the Dickies show up with a ladder. Poor armless Caufield cant escape up the ladder because he has no arms. I'm ashamed to say that that made me laugh. Yes, I am childish.

The girls play spin the bottle at the insistence of Chanel #3. She wants to kiss Sam really badly. Chanel #3 tells Sam they can never be together because everyone she love goes crazy and/or dies. During a game of Truth or Dare, Sam eventually reveals that Chanel #3 is Charles Manson's daughter (after being sworn to secrecy). Sam is forced to sleep in the bathtub in the basement. RD reveals himself to her and then smothers her with a bag.

Chad blows off Chanel #6 since he's made a pledge to the Dickies to get back with Chanel. He tells her "You're nuts and not like a typical crazy eyes coed but wake up with my penis in a jar lunatic. Now that puts me in a touch spot because that also means you'd be the screw of my life. That kind of insanity means your muffin... It's Space Mountain levels of fun. I love Space Mountain. Best ride in Disneyland... but I love my penis more." Roger and Chanel #5 are busy having an intimate moment. The Red Devil comes up behind him and fills his head with nails from a nail gun and then leaves #5 cowering in the closet.

There are some secret passages under the house which is how the killers get in and out so quickly. Chanel and Zayday go down together. Chanel talks about the past KKT presidents until the Red Devil shows up. Zayday narrowly escapes death when Chanel even knocks him in the head with a light. I didnt expect her to do that.

Wes demands Grace leave town with him. She wants to stay to help her sisters. Chanel #3 and Chanel #5 vow to stay alive longer than Chanel. Chanel buys everyone pink nunchaku. and wants to go after the Red Devil. They break out into a spontaneous dance party.

Favorite Quotes:

"We climb up the ladder, break the windows, save all the girls, climb back down and it's vagina city for all of us."- Chad.
"Happy Halloween Zayday. I hope you have a good time at your haunted party and get to murder lots of folks. Just remember Denise Hemphill has her eye on you."- Denise to Zayday.
"The guy I dated her last year got so obsessed with my ears he had to leave school. Now he writes me letters threatening to cut them off if he ever sees them again...which is why I always wear my earmuffs."- Chanel #3.
"So why are you baking toenail cookies and giving them to children? Why are you hurting them instead of Chanel?"- Chanel #6 to Chanel #5.
"Chanel-O-Ween is the one time of year where I can give these precious donkeys something to look forward to...This severed hand is for Mallory. These razor apples are for Daisy."- Chanel about her favorite holiday of the year.
"That is such a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say."- Chanel #1 to Chanel #5.
Chad: "Somethings I come out here and I just rub my hands on the gravestones. And when I find a gravestone I like, I get turned on and I rub one out to it." Chanel #6: "I get it. I get you more than anyone. I also find the thought of dead bodies extremely arousing." Chad: "Oh good. That is such a relief to hear."
"Good evening, idiot hookers."- how Chanel greets everyone.
"You have violated my closet vag."- Chanel. Hilarious!
"I'm super gross rich!"- Chanel.
"Truth or Dare #5, does you vagina have teeth"- Chanel to #3. Haaa. What does even mean?
"I'l have a trente no foam, five shot, half caf, no foam pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degree. I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot."- Chanel ordering coffee.
"Chin up Chanel. At least you wore something nice today. Remember to smile for your mugshot. It'll be on Gawker by sundown."- Chanel as she's taken to prison.
"You're nuts and not like a typical crazy eyes coed but wake up with my penis in a jar lunatic. Now that puts me in a touch spot because that also means you'd be the screw of my life. That kind of insanity means your muffin... It's Space Mountain levels of fun. I love Space Mountain. Best ride in Disneyland... but I love my penis more."- Chad to Chanel #6.
"Chanel if you get murdered in the tunnels, I promise I will never bang anyone harder than I banged you."- Chad.
"I mean your dad's Charles Manson dude. If you're not the killer, you should probably you know, give it a shot. I think you'd be pretty good at it."- Chad to Chanel #3.
"Basically I'm in love with love"- Chanel #3 about her feelings for Sam.
"Aren't we all running from the chainsaws in our past? See ya next Tuesday!"- Wes to his film class.
"Hastag cahoots!"- Denise after presenting her evidence that Zayday is the killer.
"Don't judge me for trying to stay alive. I know you're cozying up to Predatory Lez because you think she knows karate."- Chanel to Chanel #3.

Grade: 4 1/2 Monsters (out of 5). Sure the plot is all over the place at times. But there are some fun campy scenes and great one lines all over the place. I would watch this show just for Denise Hemphill if nothing else.