Once Upon A Time Season 5 Episodes 13-16 Reviews: Stuck In Viewer Hell

I fear that "Once Upon A Time" has seen it's best days. We've been to the Enchanted Forest (ie Fairytale Land), Camelot, Hell and back on multiple occasions. The characters have had their memories wiped more times than I can remember. Rumple has gone from Dark One to maybe hero and back to Dark One. Emma has gone from newcomer to Savior to Dark One to maybe Savior again. Hook was a Dark One for a while too. Even Regina (who is BY FAR the most compelling character on "OUAT") has been relegated to running around doing meaningless tasks. For a show with so much potential, it's really sad.

Here's the basics of what happened in the last four episodes:

Episode 13: "Labor Of Love"

Hercules is in Hell and he has a connection with Snow. Of course he does. Ever fairytale character knows each one. This episode was a snoozer but at least it gave Little Snow a chance shoot her bow (and to kiss Hercules).

In present day Hell, there's a three headed dog named Cerberus. Turns out the puppy killed Hercules the first time around.

Cruella's sassy one liners continue to be a highlight. She wants Henry to use his quill (which just happens to be in the Underworld despite his breaking it) to write her back to life. That way Mommy Emma wont be a murderer anymore.

Hades continues to threaten a pummeled Hook. I just dont care. In the end, Hercules and Megara resolve their unfinished business and head to Heaven. Hades is pissed because his Underworld headcount is decreasing. He wants three people as replacements for the three he lost. Hook must choose. Who will it be? I'm going with Robin, Snow and Hook himself. There.... problem solved.

Episode 14: "Devil's Due"

Rumple finds Milah in Hell. She helps he and Emma locate Hades' lair. Although after hearing Emma was with her ex-boyfriend (Killian) and her son (Neal), I'm surprised Milah didnt try to drown her. Icky. Hades is threatening to drop Hook in the River of Lost Souls (or a vat of molten lava). I'm not sure.

And it's flashback time. In FTL young Bae (ie Neal) is bit by a snake. Milah and Rumple try to get an antidote from a shady guy. He refuse. Milah wants to kill him. Rumple is a wimp as usual. He'll trade his SECOND born child for the cure. Rumple doesnt have another child. That is until now because... wait for it... Belle is pregnant. Shady Guy passed his contract with Rumple to Hades when he was killed. Now Hades owns the baby. Belle is not going to be happy.

Regina visits Daniel's grave. His headstone is turned over-- which means he's moved on to Heaven. In other news, is Regina, Emma and Snow's names are on the tombstones from last week. Maybe Regina will get more screen time as a result. One can only hope.

Episode 15: "The Brothers Jones"

Hook's brother Liam in the Underworld. I really don't care. Regina tells Emma she deserves better than Hook. And by "better" Regina means herself. I'm with ya girl! We learn that Hades and Zelena were previously a "thing". That's crazy but I'll take it. It's the most interesting part of this episode.

Episode 16: "Our Decay"

"Our Decay" was my favorite of the last four episodes. Zelena and Hade's romance was fun and (dare I say) touching. Poor Greenie doesnt even know when her own birthday is. How sad. Hades arrives in Oz and is aims to find true love's kiss so he can rejoin the living. Meanwhile Rumple is using a spinning wheel to open a portal to Storybrooke. No, it's doesnt make sense. Just roll with it.

Back among the living, the Wicked Witch tries to nab her own baby but is thwarted. Great scene! Rebecca Mader has some serious acting chops. In the Underworld, Hades confesses to Zelena that he made Hell resemble Storybrooke as a gift to her. Why not make it look like Oz instead? Does she like Storybrooke that much? Hades also says he tortured Zelena's mom (Cora) to be find out her birthday. How sweet (in a freaky stalker kinda way).

In other news, Henry is sleep writing. Henry is a strange bird. Most teenage boys would be dreaming about sex... but not him. See this is what happens when kids are raised by fairytale characters. I'm opposed to it.

Points To Ponder:

It's great to see Kacey Rohl as Megada. I would LOVE to see a "Hannibal"/"OUAT" crossover where the FTL characters get knocked off. Would that be great or what?
Did you know Emma Caulfield (of "Buffy The Vampires Slayer" fame) is the blind witch at Granny's diner? I didn't either.
Why is Snow's loft in Hell? And why does her brood of kin (grandson, daughter, hubby, and her stepmother/adopted mother of Henry) hang out there?
The parenting skills of these people is atrocious. They're always leaving their children someplace. Snow and David didn't feel the need for ONE of them to stay back and take care of Baby Neal? Robin's baby is in a similar predicament. Parenting classes should be required of all Storybrooke residents (including the dwarfs).
Is it me or has the CGI gotten consistently worse on this show? It's laughable to watch. Is Disney not giving them ANY money for special effects? Maybe it's all going to Lana Parrilla's salary instead. If so, I wholeheartedly approve.
It was nice to see Rachel Shelly at Milah again. Too bad she didn't stay long. And do you think we'll ever see a "L Word" reunion?
I don't find Hades the least bit menacing. His flaming hair is cool though. Maybe the writers could have upped the ante and use the Devil instead? I guess Disney doesn't own the rights to Satan.

Favorite Quotes:

"Despite my best intentions things don't grow here. They decay but it's our decay."- Hades.
"My enemies became my family and that's when I finally felt happy. That's why I'm here. They need my help and when family needs help you step up."- Regina.
Milah: "I'm supposed to watch the kids." Rumple: "Well they're dead anyway."
"Oh how I miss it. The gin, the music, the gin."- Cruella about her time in Hades.
"So you've been with my former lover AND my son?"- Milah to Emma. Milah finally catches up to what we already know. The FTL characters have some messed up relationships. See the chart below. It's fairly accurate but doesnt include Robin and Zelena's unnamed baby girl. Hopefully they'll call her Dorthy. It also doesnt include Zelena's and Hades' relationship (or Hades' nephew Hercules).

Grade: 3 Monsters (out of 5). I've finally accepted that the "OUAT" will never give me what I want-- which is SwanQueen as end game. Is it too much to expect from a network television show owned by Disney? Yes, I think so. But could we at least get a fun show with a cohesive story? My hopes are fading.