I always know a movie/TV show has lost me when I start envisioning myself punching the main characters in the face. Not only did I want to punch Christian and Anna but I also wanted to punch everyone involved in the production of this movie. I might have also been tempted to punch the location scouts, executive assistants and assorted craft service workers. Yep, I hated it that much. Why you may ask? Below are my top 10 reasons. Was I too harsh? Feel free to share your opinions in the comments section.
Top 10 Reasons I Hate "50 Shades Of Grey" (in no particular order):
- Tired Cliches: How many times must we be subjected to a story about a rich sexy guy awakening the sexuality of young mousy girl? And how many times must we watch a woman attempt to rescue a man from his internal demons due to the strength of her love? They definitely poured it on thick here. Nothing screams "save me" like a dead hooker crack addict child abuser for a mother.
- A Really Naive Woman: Apparently Anastasia never watches the Investigation Discovery (ID) channel. If she had she'd know that women who go off with S&M guys often end up in 55 gallon barrels. And let's be honest, if Christian wasnt rich he would just be a run of the mill stalker/control freak. Why are you going to Georgia Anastasia? Dont drink too much Anastasia. Here's the foods you can eat Anastasia. Geez, dude. Mind your own business. And ladies, when a man tells you he's no good, you really should believe him.
- No Chemistry: You know what they say about onscreen chemistry-- either ya have it or you dont. Unfortunately Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson dont have it (which is a shame because they're both pretty people). Where was the passion? Also I'm sure Dakota (daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) is a lovely person in real life but I just dont see her in this role.
- Physically Improbable: When Anna meets Christian she's a virgin. After having sex for the first time she's ready any time, any where, and in any position. Uh no... Nuff said.
- Who Knew Sex Could Be So Boring? For a show about sex, we didnt get to see that much of it. Instead we were stuck in contract negotiations (that's a big "no" to anal fisting). Only 15 of the 125 minutes were devoted to sexy times. Of those scenes I only found 1-2 to be remotely titillating. Instead I found myself wondering if they had nacho chips at the concession stand. And what about the typical double standard regarding nudity? We saw all of Dakota's parts and only got to see Jamie's butt. How bout a few frontal shots please?
- Abuse Disguised As Sexy Times: If you find yourself wanting to be dominated by a man like Christian, my suggestion would be to stop spending money on these movies/books and visit a therapist instead. Sure people can call themselves free thinkers and open as much as they want. I couldnt care less what happens between consenting adults in private. But if you get sexual pleasure out of being physically harmed by someone, you might have a problem.
- Christian Is Full Of Himself: When Anna asks Christina what she will get if she submits to all his demands, he says she will get "him". Dude, you're not that much of a prize. Sure you're a billionaire and have a helicopter but that still doesnt compensate for your brooding personality. Anastasia you're too smart for this clown. Kick him to the curb.
- This Is Not Real S&M: So Christian was a submissive for five years beginning at age 15 and is now a dominant? I'm not into S&M but I dont think it works that way. Christian is the most wimpy ass S&M dude I've ever seen. And those werent even S&M scenes in my humble opinion. Also if Christian really got off on power, when Anna talked back to him he would not have tolerated such behavior. This show reminded me of the teenage fantasy of S&M and not the adult version.
- Miscellaneous Stupid Stuff: What kind of names are Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele? I guess that sounds sexier than Eugene Horowitz and Roberta Snodgrass. Christian said he had 15 previous partners. What happened to them? Did they split amicably or is someone buried in the basement? The dialogue is hokey at times. "I exercise control in all things Miss Steele." "I enjoy very physical pursuits." "My tastes are very singular." "Im fifty shades of fucked up" are several such examples. I'll give it to Christian. He does know a number of different ways to tie a knot. Was he a sailor at some point?
- Bad Example For Young Girls: I'm concerned that young girls seeing "Fifty Shades Of Grey" will think this is what S&M is about. If so, they're in for an eye opening and possibly dangerous reality check.
Grade: 1 Monster (out of 5). The only reason I gave this show one Monster was because of Jamie Dornan. Take my advice and skip this movie. Instead spend your time watching "The Fall" on Netflix. It stars Jamie Dornan as an Irish serial killer. Gillian Anderson plays the detective trying to bring him to justice. Both are excellent in their roles. See my reviews of "The Fall" here: http://gmonster320.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20Fall
I'm sure we havent see the last of Christian and Anastasia though. There are three books in the series so there will be at least one (if not two) more movies. Thanks but I'll pass.
http://www.zigiasoft.com/50-shades-of-grey-free-download/
The World According To GMonster
TV: Heavy On Sci Fi, Horror & Adventure; Light On Reality
March 8, 2015
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