Hemlock Grove Season 2 Episodes 5 Thru 8 Recaps: Grandma Lumildas Psychoactive Gypsy Brain Fog

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Hmm You Seem Kinda Small To Be The Antichrist

I gotta say, either this season is better than last year's hot mess or "Hemlock Grove's" brand of crazy has finally grown on me. Here's the goings on in episodes 5 through 8:

Miranda is concerned because she's spontaneously lactating and feels the urge to feed Roman's baby. Yeah that kinda thing would tend to cause alarm.

Sheriff Chasseur lets Peter out of jail. Remember Peter freaked that woman and child out when he saved them thanks to his psychic dreams. And Toronto is apparently not far enough away from the masked loons. Both people are killed anyway. Well that was a lot of work for nothing.

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And The Award For Most Dysfunctional Family In Hemlock Grove Goes To...

Shelley is still hanging out in that abandoned house with her boy sidekick. The boy's father is abusive. She kills his family but not before getting an ax to the back. Norman picks Shelley up in his van. She is reunited with her dysfunctional family. Dr Pryce plans to copy Shelley's consciousness into Prycilla (the girl in the water tank). Mental Note: Check out "Intruders" for a better way to accomplish this.

Roman leaves a message for Dr Pryce. He's having issues controlling his blood lust. In the secret lab Pryce shows Roman his special concoction of sludge. Pryce refers to it as "a nutrient concentrate to satiate the upir appetite." It just looks like bloody parts to me. Roman drinks WAY too much and then runs off.

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Is No One But Me Alarmed That They're About To Drown Destiny?

Lynda is still is jail. Add stealing a truckload of designer shoes to her other offenses. She's already been charged with stealing an elephant (she knew a guy). Peter and Destiny go to visit her. She is being transferred to another facility. Luckily Destiny created a potent (which included frog drool) and puts it all over the transport vehicle. It's Grandma Lumilda's Psychoactive Gypsy Brain Fog (administered transdermally). Lynda is free and on her way to Romania. That was one of my most favorite scenes of the entire series.

Pryce tells Olvia that she's aging at an accelerated rate. Olivia goes to a karaoke bar. Say what? That was bizarre. I love ya Olivia but please no more singing! Just keep doing what you do best and rip someone's throat out.

Roman goes crazy and tells Pryce he's ready for his first treatment. Pyrce's plan is to change all of Roman's organs into human organs. Pryce says "soon you will leave the world of upirs and take your place among the world of men". Oh my goodness. That looks painful (especially the eyeball stabbing part). Looks like session 1 went well. Only 5 more to go!

Dr Pryce's Russian doctor (with the big long name that I will avoid writing) goes to visit Olivia. We'll just call her Galina. She knows Olivia and Roman are upir and Roman has started treatments with Dr Pryce. Pryce later confronts Galina about visiting Olivia. If she does it again, he will turn her over to the government. They will learn her true identity as the war criminal "Death's Bitch". Apparently Galina was a real baddy back in the day.

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Well This Is Going To Be Awkward In The Morning

Miranda and Roman and Peter have a three way. There's an awkward encounter at the coffee machine the next morning. That was funny. Destiny tells Mrianda she is in danger and should leave. Meanwhile Roman's maid tells Olivia about Miranda so she is DEFINITELY in danger now.

Norma's PI lady friend lifts Olivia's prints from her house. They connect her to a murder in the 1960s. The sole survivor successfully identifies Olivia in a lineup. We wont go into HOW she does it. Yuck. Norman and PI go to Chasseur with the intel. Chasseur gives them the scoop on upir. Norman finally starts to get a clue.

Olivia tells Roman that JR was not his father. So that means Norman is. Roman is upset that he had sex with his sister. Surprisingly he was not that upset when he thought he was only having sex with his first cousin.

And the creepy masked guys are back. Three of them attack a family with bees. Peter and Roman save them in the nick of time. They kill one masked person and badly injure another. Just then Miranda shows up and sees Peter laying naked on the ground (after having changed back from wolf form). Miranda takes the baby and flees (but eventually ends up at Destiny's house). Back in the woods, the girl is still alive and says she was kidnapped from her family. She acts like a victim but eventually tries to blow up Peter and Roman. She says "The Caul, you cant stop us". Well she's dead now so I guess she was successfully stopped.

Flashback to Paris in the 1880s. Olivia is brought before the Chancellor of the Order. He says there can be a truce if the upir police themselves (and they only feed on the dregs of society). If not, the Order will kill them all. Olivia reluctantly signs the document. Is she the spokesperson for all upir now? I wouldnt stop eating people just because she signed some document.

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Dr Pryce Holds His Own Even When Surrounded By A Town Full Of Freaks

Pryce discovers that Olivia has a cancerous mass in her brain. Galina tells Olivia that she can recover if she drinks from the blood of Prycilla. She also reveals that the "meat stew" Olivia and Roman have been drinking is actually tank water from Prycilla. Of course Shelley memories have already been copied over to Prycilla's body. Now what to do? Should I eat a girl who now holds my daughter's essence (but will cure me of cancer)? Decisions, decisions.

Meanwhile Chasseur goes to the priest and tells him that those masked dudes are a rogue element of the Order Of The Dragon (OOD). Say what? OK didnt see that coming. The priest calls the Chancellor. She is going to investigate the incidents. But the masked baddies show up and shoot the priest full of arrows. Destiny has another vision in the tub. The baddies are killing babies because they're looking for... wait for it.... they are looking Nadia. Yeah, like you didnt see that coming 20 miles off. Peter finds their hideout. He's about to go full wolf when they capture him. Next they must all work together to save baby Nadia (and possibly Peter).

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Brought To You By The Hemlock Grove Tourist Bureau

Favorite Quotes:

"There's something wrong here, very wrong"- Miranda.
When Roman suggests she visit a doctor? "One that specializes in spontaneous freak lactation?"- Miranda
"Youve come home Roman and you have me to thank"- Pyrce before giving Roman some of his upir blood stew.
"Say hello to Prycilla. The first human to be created in a completely uterine free environment."- Pryce to Roman.
When Pryce tells Olivia that her lifespan is diminished, she replies "Are you telling me I only have a few hundred years left?"
Lydia while she's being freed from the prison transport: "Is this what I think it was?" Destiny: "Grandma Lumilda's psychoactive gypsy brain fog absorbed transdermally through the hands. " Excellent idea Destiny!
Roman: "How did it go with the doctor?" Miranda (regarding her lactation): "Turning into a dairy cow".
"I dont want to be this thing. I dont want to feel hungry all the time"- Roman to Pryce.
Pryce refers to Roman's treatments as an "upir-ectomy". Too funny.
"I dont kill my children... anymore. I've changed"- Olvia's response when Pryce suggests that they kill Roman. Hilarious!
"Pryce serves you horse soup. Prycilla is unicorn"- Galina to Olivia.

Grade: 4 Monsters (out of 5). Fun, mindless entertainment with some eye candy thrown in. Only two episodes left in season 2. Will we get any resolutions? Knowing this show, probably not.